Last week, I told my mom that I just didn’t feel like myself. I’m not unhappy. I have some normal stresses in my life, but nothing out of the ordinary. I couldn’t shake the feeling.
Today, I told my dad, “I feel so on edge, lately. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I don’t like it.”
I try to live my life authentically, but I can feel my body going through motions. I grow quieter, less gregarious, foggy. I search frantically for things to perk me up, to keep me busy. I am in a large group, but I feel disconnected. This is so weird. I need to get out. I need to go home. MY home. Pennsylvania. I need to be with people that I don’t have to explain myself to or worry about breaking down into a puddle before them. I remind myself of the sweet life, family, and friends God has given me here. I’m trying to sort it all out, but I can’t shake it off.
This is a tough time of year for me and it sneaks up on me. Every. Single. Time.
It started to hit me when I was contemplating the sudden and unexpected loss of a friend’s husband. I was putting myself in her shoes. I was praying for her and asking God to help her through the difficult and lonely days ahead.
A song plays on my Spotify, “Hide Away In The Love Of Jesus” by Sovereign Grace music…
“Come, weary saints, though tired and weak
Hide away in the love of Jesus
Your strength will return by His quiet streams
Hide away in the love of Jesus
Come, wandering souls, and find your home
Hide away in the love of Jesus
He offers the rest that you yearn to know
Hide away in the love of Jesus
Hear Him calling your name
See the depths of His love In the wounds of His grace
Hide away.
Come, guilty ones weighed down with sin
Hide away in the love of Jesus
The freedom you long for is found in Him
Hide away in the love of Jesus
Come, hopeless hearts, do not despair
Hide away in the love of Jesus
For TEN THOUSAND JOYS await you there
Hide away in the love of Jesus.”
It hit me. And my heart is a dam, bursting at the seams because it is so full. It can only hold so much, so I will tell you the story I have told a hundred times before in so many different ways. All raw. All true…
Seven years ago, I was two days from my due date with our first baby, a girl. Life was perfect. We couldn’t wait to meet her. A week later, our sweet beauty, Charlie, was born still. I don’t have words for the devastation.
The rest of the year I can live and deal, think and talk about her, and rarely shed a tear. But this time of year, I struggle and I cry, and I feel like a walking mess. It always sideswipes me.
So, I am going to take my Savior’s invitation to hide away in His love and let Him give me the real rest and peace that only He is capable of giving, because of the depths of His love in the wounds of His grace.
VisionOverVisibility 